A Mother's Journey

Today has been a rough day. I've been preoccupied today. Unmotivated. I would rather have spent the day in my bath tub reading than playing Candyland, Lego's and dancing. And yet, everytime one of my kiddo's has come up and given me a hug, put their arm around my neck or just wanted to snuggle, I've gotten a lump in my throat. They love me, even when I'm not in the mood to be a mommy. I am blessed.
When people see me with my kids, they can probably guess that I am a mommy of four. What they don't know, is that I am a mommy of five. Ahren Douglas Friberg was stillborn at 22 weeks gestation at 11:45pm, weighing 1 pound 2 ounces, one year ago today. It has been a rough day.
Eight years ago, when I started this journey of motherhood, I couldn't have anticipated what the journey would entail. One of my biggest hurdles when I became a mother, was really being willing to give up ownership of Jaelyn. I thanked God for her, how He had blessed us with her and how in awe I was of His creation. But to be at a point of being ready to give her fully back to God, took me awhile. A pretty long while. I really struggled with fully trusting God with her. I felt like if God decided to take her home with Him or in a direction that I really didn't feel was right for her in MY heart, God and I wouldn't have been OK. The story of Abraham and Isaac kept coming up all over the place. At church, in my bible study, conversations with others and even at a teen event. As I held my daughter in my arms, I couldn't imagine having that much faith in God's big picture and being that obediant. Why did God wire me to love her and want to protect her so intensly and yet ask of me to give her fully back to Him? As I continued on with the journey of motherhood, I was able to finally come to a place of obediance and faith in God, and Trent and I dedicated Jaelyn back to God. It is a daily decision and one that I am learning more and more of what it truly means.
As Elias, Zander and Aiden have come into our lives, I have had to continue in my growth of giving my kids fully to Him. As it really has been the desire of my heart to fully trust God with each of my kids, I think I've always had a twinge of, "But God, please don't call my bluff on this one. Work on my heart for them before you work in theirs." Oh, how God has continued to work on my heart and my faith.
If we go back a couple of years, I was pregnant with Aiden and Trent and I were thinking that this would be our last baby. Our house was full, our car was out of carseat space and four kids in five and a half years was where we thought our patience limit was. I didn't feel like our family was complete (and that somewhat scared Trent), but I did feel as though we were done having kids. A few months after having Aiden, we took some "permanant" measures to "insure" that we were done with having babies.
A few months later, I start going to bed at 11pm. I think I must finally be getting old. Trent tells me it is just from him being out of town the last six out of eight weeks. After two months of feeling tired, I know that something is up with my body. Trent leaves for his last week away of the summer, and boy do I have a surprise for him when he comes home! We go to the doctor, the shock wears off a bit, and we begin to prepare our home and our family for another member. It wasn't what we had "planned", but we knew that God must have something really special planned for this little person who beat out the odds of medicine.
I was amazed at how quickly he became a part of our family. He was in the dreams, planning of the future and in the pictures his siblings drew of our family. He was already loved dearly by his parents and siblings. Then, the dreams and planning were shattered. Ahren was dead. My bluff was being called. I was in a place on my journey of motherhood, that I never wanted to be or even have a glimpse of. I was devastated and heartbroken.
Looking back now, I see God. I don't believe it was God's plan to call my bluff and for Ahren to never have a chance to live here on earth, but I do think God had worked on my heart to be in a place to have the faith and trust to come through it with Him. Though my heart aches today for my child, Jaelyn, Elias, Zander, Aiden and Ahren are His children and I am so blessed to be their mommy.
Thank you God for this journey of motherhood. Though today has been a tough day on the journey, I know that You love me more than I can imagine and that I have been blessed by You.